A Deer in the Headlights

I found myself last night feeling like a deer caught in headlights. My sister-in-law (totally randomly) asked me if I practiced Witchcraft because her oldest sister said I did. I thought I had been prepared for such a situation, having all my knowledge, and over 10 years experience enough to be able to answer the question, but I just stopped there as though an oncoming car was approaching and didn't know if I should go back or move forward.

It was a strange sensation. I didn't know what to say. I find when cornered with an uncomfortable question, I cannot answer it in a group. My s-i-l's boyfriend was sitting there and I couldn't answer the question. Now, I suppose it would have been a bit easier if she had asked me one-on-one...I probably could have come up with a quicker, more informative answer than a simple shrug as though I didn't know what she was talking about.

I'm surprised at myself...and a little disappointed. I've never, EVER been one to take my own advice. A while ago, when I was managing one of the Witchy/Wiccan groups on MSN (back when they had groups), I would always advise people about difficult situations, what they should do and not care what others think...but I was never able to take my own advice. This is one of those situations where I could have said "fuck it", and just spilled my guts on the subject, regardless of what they might have though.

What was funny though was she asked me if I did "White" Witchcraft or "Black" Witchcraft. I almost blurted out "What's the difference?" lol. I've never seen Witchcraft as being color coded, but I knew what she was asking. "Am I good Witch, or a bad Witch" to channel the "Good Witch of the North". I just hope that the next time she asks me, it's not in the company of others. I'm almost glad she didn't ask me in front of my husband...it's uncomfortable enough for me to discuss my beliefs with him...we end up in a philosophical, religious argument sometimes lol.

I don't really understand, though my hesitation...sometimes when my heart really wants to do something, my mind stops me full stop. My brain is overactive in many a situation...and this is just but another of those situations where my brain takes over entirely, regardless of what I want the outcome of the situation to be. Regardless of if I want to answer the question with full information, and my expertise...my brain will still tell me "no, she's Catholic, and believes you're evil, that you're meddling in supernatural forces that are malevolent and evil. She'll never understand so why bother trying to explain it to her. Just play dumb, and change the subject". It's not really fair for my own brain to betray me like that.

I'm a hypocrite in this fashion. I hate being a hypocrite...I want to be able to take my own advice, bite the bullet and spill my guts that I am a Witch and that's me. But I almost feel silly using the simple label of "Witch". Outwardly the word brings to mind many of the stereotypical imagery that's typical of the term. How can I take myself seriously in discussing my craft and my practice when I almost can't take the word seriously myself? If there were another word for what I do that didn't spring to mind so many stereotypes that I would have to clear up to those I discuss my craft to, it would make things so much easier. But then my life has never been easy. Sure there are many MANY other people out there with more problems than me, but my life isn't a smooth road either. My brain's hard-breaking mechanism is it's way of protecting me I assume. My life has been full of "no"'s, and to have someone accept something from me seems almost impossible. Perhaps this is why I end up like a deer in the headlights.

I'd so much like to talk to people about my beliefs, my practices and my ways...especially my own mother, who has a slight interest in Wicca...but even discussing with her is difficult...how do I simply blurt out to her that I believe in something unconventional. She's hardly Christian (in fact, she has quite a bit of animosity towards the belief system...probably where I get most of my own beliefs from against it), strong in her Native spirituality, but seems a bit on the teeter-totter when it comes to unconventional things. While she wants me to make up my own mind and is rather open in her own, she's quick to warn me the "dangers" of certain things. She knows I have my own interests in things like Wicca and such, she was quick to warn me of the evils that could come to me should I pursue it, citing her own "experimentation's" with it.

I've never once encountered anything that really frightened me. I'm highly cautious and very logic. If something doesn't make sense, or doesn't look right to me, I don't do it. I base my beliefs on my encounters and experiences. I just wish I could be as open as I want to be, without that stupid little voice in my head.





Ma’iingan